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Hey!

Welcome to my blog! I'm an American exchange student in the Netherlands just trying to make it.  Join me on my adventure!

why home is hard

why home is hard

My exchange year was hard, there’s really no way to sugarcoat that.  The thing is, I didn’t expect being home to be just as difficult. Since I’ve been home, my emotions, along with everything else, have been hard to comprehend.  These are the top 3 biggest reasons why coming home is just as difficult as being away.

I am heartbroken.  I don’t know how else to say that.  My heart is split between two places which, while definitely not a bad thing, does lead to perpetual homesickness.  I miss my best friends, my family, and the little things like biking around or messing around in music class. I’m heartbroken because missing these things almost makes me resent being at home and I don’t want to feel this way.  I don’t want to

I am overwhelmed.  My life has never been busier, emotionally or physically.  I am trying to find my new place within my childhood home and transition back to American high school after a year of pure adventure.  I’m trying to incorporate both aspects of my life into my everyday, all while tackling an incredibly difficult course load. I taught myself a year worth of pre-calc and calc in a day, if that illustrates it.  I’m trying to balance the emotions of not feeling right in the heart with wanting my life to be a never ending adventure.

I feel stuck.  Last year, I changed so much as a person, in my priorities, values, but mostly my perspective.  Coming home, everyone expects me to perfectly fill the hole I left in my place a year ago, but I simply don’t fit.  I feel stuck in who I used to be and the expectations that people have of me. To me, it feels as if I need to reintroduce myself, but I am not getting that chance.  

This is me creating that chance for myself:

Hi, my name is Bella.  I’m not afraid to be alone in a room of strangers, and I’m not afraid of speaking up.  I pride myself on authenticity and I think humour and a laughter are some of the most important things to seek in life.  I’m a very passionate person and I honestly do have such a love for so many things on this earth.

Maybe that’s why coming home has been so hard.  When you invest yourself so fully into everything that you do, you are bound to have your heart stretched.  It’s just a side effect of adventure. While I may be feeling heartbroken, overwhelmed, and stuck, the biggest thing I need to focus on is not invalidating what I am going through.  It’s to understand unless you have lived my year, but it is a lot. I lived a lifetime within a year, and now I need to figure out how that fits back into who I am going forward.

I know what I am capable of and I know who I am.  I know the rest will follow.


Living With Same-Sex Parents

Living With Same-Sex Parents

thank you.

thank you.